Equally Shared Parenting - Half the Work ... All the Fun

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Here's where we keep you updated on news about parenting as it relates to division of responsibilities, career versus home decisions, work/life balance, and legislative and grass-roots movements toward equality or better choices for families. We'll also throw in our opinions of life as equal parents in a nonequal world, regardless of what's in the news.

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Equality Blog

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Full-Out Fatherhood

Check out Lisa Belkin's Motherlode over at the New York Times for our thoughts for the day. We guest-posted a response to a previous guest post from a mother who was frustrated about her inept and apathetic husband. We assume that they want something different and encourage them to embrace competence both in childraising and teamwork to change their divisive dynamic.


Monday, July 19, 2010

Encouragement from a True Leader

ESP afficionado, Curtis Hart, posted up this wonderful video of Gloria Steinem on The Colbert Report on our Facebook Page recently. It is worth the few minutes of viewing! In just a short time- in between the jokes and such - Ms. Steinem voices her crystal clear support of equally shared parenting.

So I got a bit brave. Watching the clip made me smile ear-to-ear...and so I decided to write to Ms. Steinem to thank her. Much to my surprise, her staff wrote back right away, and said they would definitely forward my comments to her and sent me an address to which we could send our book for her to read. And then Gloria wrote back herself. I would like to share with you an excerpt of what she wrote (with her permission granted):

"I never thought that Hillary Clinton -- or any woman who represented equality -- could be elected at the top as long as almost all of us were raised by women, and so we associate female authority with childhood. I think men especially, but many women, too, feel regressed to childhood when they see a powerful woman; it was the last time they experienced one.

Of course, men pay the parallel price of being deprived of all those human qualities that are wrongly called "feminine" -- empathy, flexibility, awareness of detail -- but are only those necessary to raise children -- or being brought up to raise children.

If you want to see that this [meaning equally shared parenting] is the path away from the cult of masculinity and toward something as huge as world peace, read The Mermaid and the Minotaur by Dorothy Dinnerstein. She was ahead of her time -- I think she published this in the '70s, and she's no longer with us -- but it's a landmark book and should be re-published.

You are doing in a practical and personal way something that has bigtime importance to us all!" 
By allowing both women and men access to the full array of human qualities, we free us all. By breaking free of our self-ascribed labels of "masculine" and "feminine" we allow ourselves to be, well, just who we actually are. The peace in living as our authentic selves really does seem like a key ingredient to world peace.

I can't wait to read The Mermaid and the Minotaur, a book I have seen referenced many times but have not yet acquired. A dear friend is lending me her copy this afternoon. And I will ride high on the encouragement to press forward with the good news about ESP from a true world leader.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Book Review: Baby's Here! Who Does What?

This book review may be a bit unfair to all of us here in the USA.  Baby's Here! Who Does What? was published in the UK last month and we do not know of a purchase source over here yet.  But that is not a reason to skip reviewing this little gem.  It is what we would call the first ESP graphic handbook (a bit like a graphic novel, but nonfiction) - a mere 136 pages with large font type and tons of comic-like drawings and speech bubbles.  But even with this seemingly lighthearted approach to the topic, it packs in all the right stuff.

Baby's Here! Who Does What? is by Duncan Fisher, who also writes this equal parenting-focused blog and is the former Chief Executive of the UK's Fatherhood Institute.  He is active in campaigning for equal rights for all parents and for the support of children and families over on his side of the pond, and we have enthusiastically followed his writing for quite awhile.  Duncan is married to Clare, and the father of two daughters.

Inside the pages of Baby's Here! you will find a solid, tight argument for equally shared parenting in its full depth. Despite the chored-focused title, this book really lays out the advantages of sharing the home, the children and the breadwinning for both parents, and adds in short, manageable lists of questions to ponder as a couple over your morning coffee.  No big task charts or complicated scoresheets (imagine that :-)) are included.  Duncan's objective is to open up the full parenting discussion to both mothers and fathers, wresting it away from simply being a woman's issue to being a joyful and - yes - challenging life adventure for the couple to tackle together.

He emphasizes the importance of taking time to nurture your relationship as a couple above all other things - and that this decision will also be the best one for your kids.   Chapters cover the real possibility of sharing, the cultural and workplace norms that typically stop couples from doing so, and...my favorite just because it is a bit different from what is found in other ESP-like books...a whole section devoted to how humans have evolved from sharing paradigms rather than from our more recent divide-and-conquer family structure.

Yes, fathers are fully up to the task of sharing equally in all that it takes to run a family.  Yes, it is natural and right.  Yes, let's give this ESP thing a chance and see what it can bring us.  These are Duncan's messages.

Applause! Applause!

We happily add Baby's Here! Who Does What? to our list of Resources, and hope that many of you do get to pick up a copy for a great shot of encouragement and sensibility.

Thursday, July 08, 2010

Guest Post: What We Learned from Shared Breastfeeding

We met Gail and Lyn a few years ago when they wrote to us about their ESP life, and consider them to be two of the most intentional and thoughtful equally sharing parents we have ever had the privilege to know. They have written their Real Life Story for us awhile back (and write much more on their blog, First Time Second Time - check it out!), but we had been hoping that they could also share with you the unique journey they have taken to literally share breastfeeding - for better or worse.  And now we have been gifted with their thoughts - their examined journey - on this very topic.  Read on for a real treat...

What We Learned from Shared Breastfeeding - by Gail and Lyn

We're not quite your average ESP couple. As a two-mom family, we've been able to share the work and joy of pregnancy and birth, as we each gave birth to one of our children, both conceived via donor sperm. Gail gave birth to Leigh in 2006, and it was during her first year of life that we became an equally sharing couple. When Lyn was pregnant with Ira a couple years later, she popped the question. Not marriage, since we were legally married in Massachusetts in 2004. No, the question she asked was, "Would you consider inducing lactation?"

For some background, it is possible for a woman to induce lactation without pregnancy, using medications and herbs or just relying on the stimulation of a baby or breast pump. Induction is most frequently done by adoptive moms, with varying degrees of success. Lyn considered induction (but decided against it) when Gail was pregnant with our first child, and she encouraged Gail to think about it seriously when Lyn was pregnant with our second.

Gail’s initial answer was, "Absolutely not." But as we talked about the possibility we realized this might be an opportunity to share nighttime care in a way we hadn't with our first. Prior to about 8 months old, Leigh slept in our bed, waking multiple times a night to feed, and the responsibility for those feedings fell, as it does in many households, to the nursing mother. Lyn expressed a strong willingness to do nighttime bottles, but we did them only occasionally for two reasons. One, the very first time Lyn ever fed a bottle of expressed milk at night, Gail developed a plugged duct that eventually became a huge, painful breast abscess; we were both understandably gun shy. Two, like many women, Gail got attached to being the solo nighttime parent. Nighttime parenting is lonely and exhausting, but it does make you feel critically important – more important, in fact, than your partner. There were also some good reasons why we chose to have Gail do more nighttime care, including that Lyn was then able to get up well before dawn to work on her dissertation before caring for Leigh most of the day. But in the end, Gail felt frustrated, and Lyn felt like Gail wouldn't let her share the work of nighttime care.

So this time around, Gail decided that if inducing lactation would help us to share nights, then it was important for her to at least attempt it. We'll spare you all of the gory details about how it all worked since most families won't be able to replicate it (but feel free to read more on our blog). Instead, we'd like to share something far more important: what we learned from the experiment.

Our initial goal was for Gail to start nursing when Ira was about a month old, after Lyn's supply was well established. Until then, starting several weeks before birth, Gail pumped. A lot. But as that month deadline crept up, suddenly Lyn felt like she might not be ready to share in the nursing of Ira. Excuses and discomfort started bubbling to the surface, which brings us to...

Lesson 1: There may be a piece of the birth mom that wants to keep the baby all to herself. That's OK. Just acknowledge it, and find a way around it.

We experienced this after both births. No matter how much she may want to share parenting, there may be a part of a mom that will hold back. Dads may well feel the same way, but the nursing relationship gives moms an ostensibly "good" excuse, and a surefire method for hogging the baby that dads just don't have.

In our case, Lyn started to drag her feet and to realize that there was a part of her that didn't want to share the task of nursing. But Gail had invested six months of taking herbs and medications, and nearly two months of pumping every few hours to be ready to nurse the baby, so Lyn couldn't very well keep Gail away from the job, especially since Lyn pushed for Gail to take this on in the first place. That brings us to...

Lesson 2: Having a commitment mechanism can help get a family over a sharing hump.

What's a commitment mechanism? It's something that pushes us to keep our promises. In our case we had two: the time and resources Gail had invested to induce lactation and Lyn's loudly stated commitment to Gail's nursing. Had Lyn persisted in the foot dragging, the waste of time and resources would have been glaring, and Lyn would have had to cope with some fairly public embarrassment.

So Lyn stepped up to the plate, and Gail began nursing. First it was occasional daytime feedings, then regular daytime feedings, and then eventually we began to trade entire nights. We sent the mom who wasn’t "on" at night to the living room to sleep completely uninterrupted, while the nursing mom dealt with all nighttime wake-ups. For Lyn, this meant getting full nights of sleep for the first time in a long time. That brings us to...

Lesson 3: There are huge benefits to shared parenting -- notice them!

Once Lyn was getting real sleep every other night, any last resistance she might have had to both of us nursing completely evaporated. It was clearly a good thing. Gail also got to feel like a really important parent for the baby, not just relegated to tasks like diaper changes, cooking, and distracting our older daughter. The feedings Gail took on also permitted Lyn to have great uninterrupted time with Leigh, helping smooth her transition to big sisterhood.

We continued in this way until Ira was about six months old. At that time, it seemed night weaning was close at hand and Gail's supply was diminishing, so Gail decided to stop nursing. But then it turned out that night weaning wasn't as close as we had hoped. In fact it was still a couple of months away, and we found ourselves in infant sleep hell. That's when we learned...

Lesson 4: Your partner doesn't have to induce lactation to share nights.

Yes, some of you have probably learned that lesson already but it took us a long time and a lot of work to get there. Gail fed Ira bottles of pumped milk at night, and Lyn maintained her supply by pumping right before bed and first thing in the morning. We had a few things going for us by this time. First, we had a large stash of breast milk in the freezer. Second, we had already proven to ourselves that we could share nights, and we had established routines that worked.

After a few more months in baby sleep hell, we decided we needed to push night weaning. But by this point we had a secret weapon, albeit one that most couples already have – we had a non-nursing parent. Gail took charge of getting baby Ira to sleep at night without the comfort of a breast. After a lot of work on the part of everyone, night weaning took, and Ira started to really sleep (although, to be honest, he still frequently wakes at 4:30am, but we'll take it). That is how we learned...

Lesson #5: Sharing means that you can use both partners’ strengths when parenting your kids.

Now Ira is 13 months old, and the five-month window during which Gail nursed him is a hazy, but sweet, memory. Lyn is still nursing, but less often, and Gail no longer needs to give him bottles of expressed milk on her days home with him.

If we had it to do all over, would we both nurse again? That’s hard to say. Despite the green-eyed look of envy that appeared on the face of nearly every nursing mom we spoke to when we explained this project, it wasn't quite the perfect fantasy world you might imagine. It was a lot of work on both of our parts (but especially Gail's), and it introduced some rough emotional terrain that we could have simply avoided by not taking on this task at all; it's not clear that the benefits outweighed the substantial costs. But it was still a great experience for our whole family. Gail got a rare opportunity to connect with her non-biological son in a deeply meaningful way, and once she was over the hump, Lyn saw only good in the nursing relationship between Gail and Ira; it was clear her relationship with Ira was not at all compromised by making room for Gail.

But most importantly our experience sharing breastfeeding laid bare our last excuses for not sharing every aspect of infant care; maybe you won't have to go to such great lengths to get rid of yours.

Sunday, July 04, 2010

Going All the Way

Camile Paglia wrote an interesting article in the New York Times on Friday called No Sex Please, We're Middle Class. In it, she asserts that when women hold control at home and men follow along as ‘helpers,’ sex lives can dwindle. That makes sense. Here it is in her words: "...family life has put middle-class men in a bind; they are simply cogs in a domestic machine commanded by women. Contemporary moms have become virtuoso super-managers of a complex operation focused on the care and transport of children. But it’s not so easy to snap over from Apollonian control to Dionysian delirium."

When men were “men” and women were “women,” traditional roles may have kept our sex lives interesting (to a point) because we maintained our separate spheres and stayed strangers in this manner. Great if you like the ’strangers on a train’ kind of sex. Probably not so great once you get to know a few annoying things about your own personal stranger, but remain relative strangers none-the-less.

Then there's the scenario in which men and women learn to share everything together - the work and the joy - on a level in which no one is directing the other (otherwise known as equally shared parenting of course). Here familiarity may be at a high but genuine intimacy thrives - and the kind of sex that arises from that depth of intimacy is there for the taking.

But when men do their fair share around the house but are dragged and managed by their wives, nothing seems very sexy anymore. We call this 'pseudoequality' - an unfortunate situation in which men and women look to be equals on the surface, maybe even achieving 50/50 chore sharing (heaven forbid!). But look a bit deeper and you'll see a profound imbalance of power - a set-up for resentment, harassment, avoidance, annoyance and anger. Not too sexy, huh?

Half-way to equality is like half-way to paradise...purgatory is not a good move, sex-wise!

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